So, I said in my last post that this blog was going to turn into a journal of sorts, full of my thoughts and what nots, so here we go- this post is a long one.. and it is very real.
I have been dealing with a lot lately- hence the not updated blog. I have been working a full time job as a nursing assistant in a memory care unit in Provo, I have been helping my family with all the crazy adventures we are riding together, I have been supporting my sweetheart on his mission in Iowa, I have been riding the wave of health ups and downs, the holidays have started, I have been struggling spiritually, and so much more. During all of this- the hardest thing for me has probably been the major ups and downs in my testimony of Jesus Christ and His restored Gospel in these the Latter Days. This has been the hardest thing for me since returning home early, and very unexpectedly from my LDS mission in January of 2016. It is so hard because everything else I do hinges on my belief in God. Everything I say, everything I do, the places I go- it all hinges on that belief in God.
Before my LDS mission I knew God was there. I knew He was real, He knew me, He had a personal plan for me, and I was His child. I knew He sent His Son, Jesus Christ to live and die for me. I knew Joseph Smith was a Prophet of God- and that he restored the true and living Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to the earth in the early 1800s. I knew the Book Of Mormon was translated by the power of God, by Joseph Smith- and I knew it was true. I knew the power of Temples, and the power of the Priesthood was real and worked miracles. I knew all of this before I left on my LDS mission- and I did everything I could to prepare to teach these truths to the people I was called to teach in Cleveland Ohio. (I left behind my scholarships and leadership positions that I had been longing for; and I took 5 religion classes- institute- in my efforts to prepare for this mission.) I knew it was all true- and I couldn't wait to teach it. Nothing was stopping me. I knew I had to serve this mission-because the Spirit told me.
Background story- I never wanted to serve an LDS mission earlier in my life; until suddenly one night as I was praying and reading the scriptures, I heard the Spirit tell me I needed to go on a mission, and I needed to do everything I could to prepare for one. (I thought "funny joke" and tried to move on, but after nights of having the same thoughts and feelings- that would not leave me alone, even when I wasn't praying or studying; I fasted and prayed and I knew it wasn't a joke and it was time to take it seriously.) This was in December of 2014- I dropped the news to my parents in January 2015, and I started preparing to serve. I graduated from high school in May 2015, started my mission papers in late July 2015, submitted them in late September 2015, got my call in early October 2015, and left in January of 2016. Keep this in mind as you finish reading- I NEVER would have ventured on this journey if it wasn't for those nights in December 2014 that told me "Samantha, I NEED YOU to serve a full time mission for me." I trusted my Heavenly Father (God) and so that is why I was going. That is why I left everything else behind and followed Him.
Okay back to the main story- on January 5, 2016 I was set apart as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I left the next afternoon to the Provo Missionary Training Center to begin my Mission. I was so full of emotions- emotions I never knew I could feel. This was the hardest thing I had ever done- but I was going because Heavenly Father needed me to go. I left my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my job, my schooling, everything I had known to that point; I was excited and sacred. All my work had paid off and I was here. I was His missionary. I was following Him.
I had the best companion- she was so sweet, kind, patient, and Christlike, and most of all she was my friend. I had the best District. We all quickly became the best of friends. But things didn't go like I thought they would. Being a missionary wasn't everything it was cracked up to be- at least for me it wasn't. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't go to the bathroom, I couldn't focus on anything, and I was constantly crying and shaking. I was SICK. What was wrong with me?
The Sisters in my district knew something was wrong- things just weren't right. One night as we were praying I suddenly felt like I needed to go home. "What the heck?? No way! I've worked so hard to get here and I thought You, Heavenly Father, NEEDED me here!" I took my thought of going home as just a minor home sickness thing.. but it only got worse. I told the sister and elders about my thoughts of going home, they all thought I was homesick too, so they all prayed for me and the Elders gave me a blessing- but it just got worse.. The Sisters told me it was time to visit our Mission President. After visiting with him, we called my parents.. I told them I felt like I needed to come home- they said "I think Satan is trying to take an amazing missionary out. We will pray for you, and it will all be okay. Get a blessing." So I did. The Elders gave me the most beautiful blessing I could have asked for at that moment. But I knew in my heart things weren't going to go like I wished. I knew I was sick- but I told myself I wasn't letting that stop me. I told my companion that we were going to work hard and that I wasn't going home. I was here to stay! So we got back to it.
We were sitting in class, it was personal study time, I was reading the Book Of Mormon preparing a lesson for our investigator that afternoon. Suddenly as I was writing in my journal about my decision to stay, something came over me. I looked at my companion, "I've got to get out of here. I don't feel well." I got up and ran out; she followed me into the empty room next door. I couldn't breathe, I was shaking tremendously, and I was sobbing uncontrollably. My companion looked at me and said "Sister Stout, we have to get you to President." I have no idea how she got me there, but she did. By some miracle President felt impressed to come look for me at the same time this was all happening, so I guess he met us on the way to his office- although I don't remember when or where or how that all took place. President saw me and said "This is worse than I thought." He rushed my companion and I to his office, and tried talking to me. Honestly all I remember is that I was shaking so badly he got on the phone with my parents, and asked them if I had experienced seizures before because he wasn't sure if I was having one or not. (This is what my parents have told me- as I do not remember this.) They told president to put me on to see if they could calm me- which they did after what felt like forever. I don't even know if I said anything, I don't know what they said, but it calmed me down enough so they could talk to president again about the situation. After they hung up- president looked at me and said "Sister Stout, you're going home." I'm not sure what my response was- but I know I wasn't happy. I had decided I was staying. Heavenly Father needed me here- and I wasn't leaving. President explained that what I had just experienced was a full blown Anxiety driven Panic Attack, and that I needed medical attention so that my health didn't worsen.
It was a Sunday night, and in order to release me with a medical release they needed me to be evaluated by their psychologist so that I could receive counseling from the church, I needed to wait till the morning to go home. The next day I met with the Dr. and he confirmed that I was indeed in a full state of "Fight or Flight" and that my health was worsening by the minute because my body couldn't respond in a normal state. I needed to go home. They confirmed with my parents, and set up my departure for 4pm that evening. I had enough time to pack my things, teach an investigator my last lesson, and say goodbye to my mission.
I was standing in the hall by president's office with all the Sisters in my District, when I saw them turn the corner. I was overwhelmed by my first wave of "your such a disappointment" feeling. My parents were crying, and I wasn't sure why. (I know now that it was because they could see that I wasn't the same person that they had dropped off, and I was sick, and they had no idea how to help me.) We hugged, they met the Sisters and thanked them for caring for me, then we exchanged final hugs and they left. I got in the car, to endure the next step of this mission- little did I know that the hardest 2 years of my life was just beginning.
Since I made the decision to serve an LDS mission, I had dreamed of the "welcome home" at the airport, with balloons, everyone I loved, signs, hugs, tears, lots of joy, and wonderful reunions.. little did I know that my missionary "welcome home" would be much, much different; no balloons, no signs, tears- but anything but joyous tears- hugs of breaking hearts, and much, much too soon..
It was January 12, 2016- my dad's birthday- and just 6 days since I had left.. I would be released the following evening- making my missionary service in full- 1 week.
The days to come were horrid for me. I have never wanted to be invisible so badly before in my whole life. From family members coming to check on me, to neighbors, to my sweetheart, to friends, and many others- I felt like such a disappointment to the world.. but I also felt so much love from these people that jumped in to come see me and see what they could do- which wasn't much- but none the less- I want to say thank you for trying. I know it was hard, awkward, and uncomfortable- but I will forever be grateful for those of you that made an effort to help me and my family- especially when I couldn't help myself.
My parents wrote a letter that they put on Facebook to announce my unexpected homecoming and to ask people to give me some space and not judge me- and to make sure they knew I was released honorably for a medical condition. This letter was read in church that Sunday- and I have never felt so many eyes, I've never heard so many whispers, never felt so much judgement. *I know now there was a lot less of that than I thought- but my anxiety wasn't about to let me believe such at the time.* My long journey was just beginning.
In the weeks and months to come, I had to figure out how to put my life back together piece by piece. I was literally starting all over. And to make it worse, for the first time ever I didn't know how to talk to people and they were scared to talk to me for fear of setting off a panic attack- which just made me feel even worse that they felt they had to treat me like I was so fragile. (Which I was.) I had counseling appointments weekly, I had to have blood tests run, I had Doctor appointments of all kinds for months, and I had endless questions for myself and God.
Let's be real for a minute- I was a mess. Ask my mom. She was with me the whole way- and is still taking me to doctor appointments and such. I was mad too. Mad at myself for failing, and mad at God for making me go on this mission I didn't even want just to sent me right back home. Mad isn't the right word... I was furious.
I almost stopped going to church- thank you mom for making me go- you knew what I needed more than I did.
I have felt so many emotions in the last 2 years. I was mad at God, jealous at all my friends- including my boyfriend- who were serving successful full time missions without much of a problem, I was defeated, I was lost, I was confused, I was in pain- literally and spiritually, I was pretty much everything you can think of except for happy.
I eventually stopped going to counseling- thinking that they could never do anything for me, because I was still mad. I was refusing all help. I was going to do this alone. Which at the time- thank heavens I did do it alone- because looking back, I needed to figure out that I simply couldn't. I needed to know for myself that all that stuff I talked about at the beginning of this long story- all that stuff that I "knew I knew"- I needed to know that it was still real, that it was still true- no matter what I was facing. And let me tell you- that, that was a hard road to walk. Being completely alone.. at least so I thought at the time. *I have never felt so alone, so abandoned, so devastated before in my life. But I wouldn't change it- I needed it. It is all a part of the plan.*
One day, well- over the course of a few days- I decided that even though I was starting to get my life together on a worldly level- I had gotten a job I was dreaming of, I was starting to plan things again, etc. I realized that if I didn't get my spiritual life together, and soon, that I was going to be in a world of hurt all over again- and I would never really "heal." I realized this- but I didn't act on it- because I was letting my anxiety control me- I had a major fear, still sort of do- that if I allowed myself to become overcome with things of the Spirit again- I would "fail" again, and my anxiety would worsen. *Silly I know- but that is what anxiety does to you.*
However, I did start seeing a therapist of sorts, although he doesn't like to be called such- I'll call him my Positive Living Coach. (If you need someone who will help you turn your life around, and help you live more positively- ask me about him- he is amazing!) Because of him, I finally started to listen to those impressions I was having to make differences in my life; I was finally realizing that what happened had nothing to do with the spiritual aspect of things, but rather the events around that. I started to believe that I could be who Heavenly Father wanted me to be- and that everything that happened- was a part of His perfect plan for me. That I was in fact supposed to go on that mission- I was NEEDED on that mission- because Heavenly Father needed to give me this experience so I could come to Him, trust Him, and do His will. It's all a part of the Plan.
Here I am 2 years later- and what I have learned is that I have Anxiety, Depression, and Migraines. (I honestly don't remember the last time I didn't have head pain.) I am still seeing doctors, I am still learning how to best treat these conditions. I have been on and off so many different medications, and tried so many different methods of healing- and quite honestly- none of them are working completely. Some doctors have told me it will just take time, because my body had such a major "Fight or Flight" reaction- that I could possibly be dealing with some PTSD as well. I still have problem days, and I know I will continue to have them. I will still have my days where my anxiety is high for some reason I may not even know, and you may say something or do something, or maybe nothing will happen at all- but suddenly I am up, and running to excuse myself from the situation before it gets unbearable. Please do not take this to offense. My anxiety and depression is not something I can always control. I do my best, but it is a mental health condition and there is no definitive answer to it. So please be patient, be kind, and try to understand- I am still learning too. There are still so many unanswered questions, there are still so many things I wish I knew, and things I wish I didn't have to deal with- but I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father has a plan, a perfect plan for me, and "things will work out."
Now that you know all of that- let me just say to you- and I don't care who you are, where you live, what you do, or anything- what I am about to say applies to every single person that has lived, ever will live and is alive right now.
If I have learned anything from this experience it is this- YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD AND HE KNOWS YOU AND LOVES YOUR PERSONALLY. HE HAS A PERFECT PLAN FOR YOU. NOTHING YOU HAVE DONE OR EVER WILL DO WILL CHANGE YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER'S INFINITE AND PERFECT LOVE FOR YOU. YOU ARE HIS, AND HE CARES ABOUT EVEN YOU.
Life is hard, I know that first hand. And I know I haven't experienced all the things in the world- I am no where near that- but I promise you, that the statement I just shared is true. I know that He will not leave you helpless, abandoned or alone. Yes, it may feel like He has, but I promise you that the Savior of the World knows you, loves you, and is waiting with open arms for you to open your door and let Him in. I know sometimes it does take time- trust me I've been there. I know that sometimes you do need to walk that path alone for a bit to discover that you do in fact need HIM. *If you have family member or friend who is struggling- please realize this truth- they need time too- God has perfect timing, even if you can't see it- you need to trust God too. Love them, and give them the time and space they need to find Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Let them turn to their Savior. All you need to do- and the best thing you can do is accept them as they are and LOVE them. Trust me it works a lot better than other methods- and remember it takes TIME. Sometimes a LOT of it too.* No matter how long you need to walk that path, please please- let Him in, because only you can let Him in your life.
Bottom line- it's a journey, this whole life is. Sometimes we think we have it all planned out- we're going places, we think things are perfect- but God "cuts up down" unexpectedly; even when we are following His plan; to remind us of a simple truth as He says: "I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be." So trust Him. You are becoming beautiful because God doesn't make mistakes. You are a masterpiece in the making. There will always be rough patches- I can promise you that, but the Savior of the world, and our Heavenly Father have a perfect plan for you, and "things will work out." I promise. This life is worth the fight, it's worth the journey. Life's a climb, but the view's great. So keep on climbing.
Love,
Samantha <3
