Lately I have been struggling- with everything. Work, waiting for my missionary, friends, self-esteem, helping others, studying the gospel, etc. For some reason I feel my depression is increasing and I'm not sure why.. I've been diagnosed with A-Typical Migraines, anxiety, and depression; so I've been taking meds for it, and it's helping the migraines but I'm worried it's making the depression worse. I just feel so fatigued, useless, and unmotivated. Things just seem so difficult, more than usual.
As I talked to Jordan today I just felt even worse. The poor guy, I let him have it all, it's like word vomit- and I just threw it all at him, and he graciously just read, and responded with love, patience, and the Spirit. That boy <3 I am so thankful he loves me still, I love him more and more every day. I honestly have no idea how he does everything he does. He's a miracle I tell ya- a living miracle.
Jord kindly reminded me that I am not alone- he sent me video and talk links for me to view when I feel I can. He told me about tender mercies and he helped me to calm down. He's always so patient with me. If I were him I'd kick my own butt and tell myself to knock it off, but he never even gets close to that attitude. Miracles. How did I get so blessed?
Since being home, I've learned a lot about being human. I make mistakes, I'm far from perfect; and I feel lost- a lot. For a while there I quit reading my scriptures, I quit praying. I almost quit going to church, and I asked to work on Sunday mornings- I said "it's not a big deal" but it was. I slowly was allowing myself to forget the miracles of this Gospel. I slowly stopped answering promptings and just doing my own thing. I even found excuses to not attend my weekly shift at the temple..
One day, I was having a particularly difficult time. And I was mad at Jesus. I was so mad. "Why are you doing this to me? Why do I hate myself? Why am I not the girl I once was? Why don't people like me? Why am I always in pain? Why, why why..?" I locked myself in my room and just cried. I kept looking at social media hoping I'd find something there- people the chances of social media actually leading you to worthy and fulfilling places.. not so likely... Don't get me wrong, it could happen, but it's not too likely. Anywho, finally I threw my phone across the room and just laid on my bed crying. For some reason I felt very compelled to pray. Jordan, being aware of my struggles, had asked me to try praying again during that week. "Just say an informal prayer if that's all you can do. Just try." I said I would, but I secretly wasn't going too- until I found my bawling on my bed and feeling the need to pray. So I did...
I probably said the most informal prayer I'd said up to this point in my life.. Not gonna like- it didn't feel like a prayer it felt like I was yelling at God. Then through my fit of yelling and being determined not to listen to anything I threw my head back and looked up. In the process my eyes caught the picture I received for my birthday of Christ praying. For some reason it crossed my mind that "He's praying for you right now." I quit talking for a minute and just sobbed, thinking of the process of the Atonement of Christ. I knew Christ prayed, and that He still does pray for us. But I had gotten this picture because it felt more personal than any of the other pictures I had of Him praying- so I asked myself "Why?" Because he isn't just praying to check it off His 'to do list', He's pleading for us.
I finally knelt by my bedside for what felt like the first time in ages. I took a deep breath and before I could even form the words "I'm sorry Father" I cried. And I just let myself cry, while I gave Heavenly Father my heart. I just let Him work with my broken heart. "Take my heart, oh take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."
I fell asleep in this process. Upon waking up only a 15 minutes later I felt different. I felt a burden lifted. I felt like running, running to the temple, to His home, to be with Him. But I felt a warm calmness. As I realized "It's okay. I love you. Don't give up. It will not be easy. But I will not leave you if you do not leave me. Just keep trying." I promised myself right then and there that I would not stop trying to be like Him. It's a guarantee I will mess up again. I know I will, in fact I have since then. But, the one thing that stays different: I keep reading my scriptures, I keep praying.
Sometimes it's just 1 simple verse, one sentence or even 1 small word in the scriptures. Sometimes my prayers are as simple as "Heavenly Father, I love you. Amen" I just simply do what I can, breathe, and ask Heavenly Father to allow Christ to make up my difference. And I'm comforted to know "He already has."
No, it wasn't a voice, no it wasn't in the scriptures, no it wasn't anything 'exciting'. It was a realization led by God. He just opened my eyes because I allowed Him into my heart again.
Notice I said "again". Not only have I let Him in before, I pushed Him out too. More than once since I've been home from my mission- in only 19 short months. But this time, this time I wasn't going to let it be like every time before. This time- I was going to continue to try- no matter how hard, I promised myself I would give whatever I could give; whether that was 5 seconds, or 5 hours- every single day I was going to try. Knowing that "He's already made up my difference. He will always love me and my imperfections".
Yes, I miss days. No, I am not perfect. Just keep trying, The motto from Gordon B. Hinckley that got me through coming home from my mission still gets me through every single day "It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out, don't worry. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with Faith."
No, I'm not who I once was. But that's okay, cause I am doing my best. I am giving what I can give right here and right now. And that is enough. It doesn't matter if it's as much as I used to give or if it's more- as long it's it's my best for today: it will all work out. Heavenly Father still loves me.
Yes, I still have miles to go. There are still many valleys to cross, and many mountains to climb. But the view- it will be great and oh so worth every valley I'll cross and every mountain I'll climb.
It will all work out.
XOXO, Samantha <3
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